With the association Gango, we did a joint workshop last year and the subject inspired me so much, that I wanted to share some of the most important takeaways from that day.
First of all, as women, we are often brought up to please those around us. From childhood, we're encouraged to be always helpful and smiley in all circumstances. Being the good girl, right?
We are not taught to have healthy, fulfilling relationships that preserve our emotional independence.
As a couple, how many of us forget ourselves in order to meet the other person's needs?
And we can very well agree that this behaviour has been with us for generations… We need to be patient with ourselves, as improving the situation takes sometimes a long time...
What is emotional dependency?
Emotional dependency means having a great a need for affection. We make our self-esteem dependent on external factors, such as our partner's/boss/friends approval, validation and so on.
Relying on these external factors to meet the majority or all of your needs, you may not do much to meet those needs on your own. In other words, you can’t fulfill your needs on your own, and so you reach a partner to fulfill the majority or all of them for you. This total reliance on another person can eventually take a toll on your relationship and overall well-being.
Some signs of emotional dependence can be:
· an idealized view of your partner or the relationship
· the belief your life lacks meaning without them
· the belief you can’t find happiness or security alone
· a persistent fear of rejection
· a constant need for reassurance
· feelings of emptiness and anxiety when spending time alone
· needing them to build your self-esteem, confidence, and self-worth
· feelings of jealousy or possessiveness
· difficulty trusting in their feelings for you
Feeling as if you can’t live without their emotional support can suggest your relationship has veered toward an unhealthy level of dependence. And this leads to a lack of self-confidence, causing us to withdraw and sometimes even accept unacceptable things...
The other side of the story is when you are dealing with an emotionally dependent partner. I think the basic rule here is there’s only so much you can do.
At the end of the day, you alone can’t fix the issue, but there are a few ways you can offer support while protecting your own emotional needs. For example, setting boundaries, or simply asking what your partner needs. If they are not able to formulate the need, therapy is always helpful.
Taking full responsibility
Emotional independence therefore means taking full responsibility for our desires, needs and decisions.
Daring to say no when we don't feel like it, putting our needs before those of our loved ones, and above all ASSUMING: it's not always easy.
Because we're afraid of disappointing or hurting those we love by putting ourselves first.
The worst thing is feeling guilty when you finally dare to impose yourself.
But the good news is that you can work on it!
To have healthy, balanced relationships, it's essential not to make others responsible for how we feel and, conversely, it's essential not to carry the entire weight of their emotions on our shoulders.
This habit of making our emotions dependent on the outside world is ruining our lives! Why would we want to make other people or events responsible for our own emotions?
Each of us is free to interpret our daily lives as we wish! Emotional independence is the idea of taking 100% responsibility for the way we feel.
Here are a few keys to achieving this:
Getting used to the idea that we don't depend on others or the way others look at us to feel good. All our emotions are available to us at any time. It's up to us to choose to feel it.
Bear in mind that whatever happens, we always have the choice of what meaning to give to that event. It's important to be able to stand back, not to react in the heat of the moment, and to make a conscious decision about how we want to feel.
Apply this principle to our relationships with others! All adults are responsible for how they feel. And so we don't have to feel responsible for the emotions they feel! Our emotional responsibility ends where others' begin. This doesn't mean that we're going to become unpleasant, that we're going to stop being kind, polite, helpful and benevolent to others. These are things we do for ourselves because that's the person we want to be. We don't do it to please others, to make them happy or to avoid making them unhappy.
Some practical tips
To learn more about yourself and your emotions, try these that also worked for me: meditation, spending time in nature and with animals, spending time on your own.
You can also go deeper and identify your triggers to emotionally dependent behaviours. For example:
· You catch yourself seeking reassurance most when dealing with outside sources of stress, like trouble at work or friendship drama.
· When you make a mistake, your self-esteem drops, and you really depend on others’ approval to lift you back up.
· Identifying specific triggers can help you explore coping methods, whether that’s talking with a friend about your feelings or using positive self-talk to remind yourself of your strengths and successes.
Of course, the saint grail of it all is to do the work with a therapist with whom you can explore issues that may contribute to present relationship concerns, and navigate healthier strategies of getting emotional needs met. In therapy, you can also work to resolve other issues that often tie into emotional dependence by developing greater self-compassion, increasing self-confidence and self-esteem or learning to recognize healthy relationships.
What are your techniques to achieve emotional independence? Tell me here or on our social media channels.
Hugs,
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Sources:
Emotional independence: Why and how to achieve it, Penser et Agir: https://www.penser-et-agir.fr/independance-emotionnelle/
Dr. Immordino-Yang: How Emotions & Social Factors Impact Learning | Huberman Lab Podcast, 2023: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S8jWFcDGz4Y
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